new chapter

Its been another year since my last post. And here i am again by writing blog whereas i realise i have no one to turn to. Its pathetic.

Lastnight at one moment, i felt like i wwnt ro commit suicide. I m not capable to handle my emotions anymore. And the next moment i feel like i want to runaway from this 'trapped situation' of mine and i notice i have no where to go.

No more other homes for me, and no more someone close that I can just do nothing and be myself. I miss ahnek so much.

Every day at this hour, i would expect her call to check on me but yet at one point i felt she is annoyed that I needed to 'talk' with her and now deserved me! that i wont get that call anymore. 

Im terrified and im lost.

Am i being strong enough to stand for what I supposed to be infront of everyone for a short period of time or like I always mention, till when the kids are fully grown-up. And when would that be?

I cant even afford to have a proper meal myself and yet I need to snatch my daughter 'piggy coinbox' just to make sure that I can grab some takeaway food this morning. Its really so pathetic.

I threw over the remote control to him when he mention that is this the decision i wanted, or what orson wanted. Immediately i cant filter my act and i just threw the control to him to make sure he shut his mouth. Damn. Plus another word that saying my act is too much! Yes, it was, obviously.

And im still feeling im so much hurted that i totally have no courage to apologize to him. 

How could he say that , and how could he still being so skeptical for the school choice that we had been discussing over and over. 

And yet am wondering because of the trauma from last two years for what had happend on Oliver and  I doesnt myself trapped into this level again. And subjectively , indirectly he mentioned that I'b brainwashed and lure him for choosing independent school. 

Should i be giving up again to give in! Why is always me! 

Im still not calmn, and for this emotion because of the past trauma or because i wanted to show off that I can win in this arguement?

Am so lost. Is that because the love affection has been dramastically dropped and i dont even care anymore.